Growing Up Being The "Big Kid"

I want to go as far back as I can recall, when I began developing an unhealthy relationship with food. I believe I've always had the mindset that I could eat whatever I wanted without considering the long-term effects. As a kid I guess you don't give it as much thought as you do in your adult years. Ultimately, the consultant told me that the harm I had caused to my heart was the result of years and years of damage going back to childhood possibly. so I want to briefly talk about this part of my life as it still shows how i've grown up thinking about food.

The Bigger Kid

From the ages of 12 to 15, I was mildly aware of my size. Family and friends have mentioned that I wasn't as large as I perceived myself to be. Nevertheless, being the bigger kid—both taller and wider—at school had its own challenges. Although I had friends, I still believe my childhood was difficult. At times, I experienced elements of bullying and exclusion from activities like school teams or lunchtime kickabouts because of my size, not just because I was not good enough. The elements of bullying stayed with me growing up and always made me self-conscious about my size and appearance. To cope, I often turned the situation around with banter or deflected it to the back of my mind and laughed it off.

Packed Lunches

Food was an essential part of my childhood, but my relationship with it was complicated. I would take packed lunches to school and come home to a well cooked meal. Packed lunches then typically included sandwiches, crisps, and a chocolate bar of some type and a drink. Despite this, I often bought extra snacks from the school canteen daily. Treats like turkey drummers, burgers, and chips became a habit, especially if I wasn't having the best of days or I'd scoffed my packed lunch before lunchtime.

On my way home I was just as bad, I would frequently stop at a local spar or newsagent and cram in items like sweets and pasties on the short walk home, despite knowing these choices weren't healthy. By dinner time, I often sat down having already consumed a small mountain of snacks, leading to a chaotic pattern of overeating without any major thought.

The Role of Swimming

Growing up, I was fortunate to always have been a very confident, good swimmer, being part of local lessons, club, and county. I was a swimmer from a young age, going as far back as 5, and eventually and stupidly giving it up in my early 20s. Being a swimmer to this level, I would train daily, if not multiple times a day. However, I do remember my diet not being all that great, and I still had this perception that I was a "bigger kid" amongst others that looked in good shape. During my challenges with food, swimming was one of my lifelines. This sport offered a space free from judgement and piss-taking. I think swimming helped me maintain whatever physical fitness I had; it also provided me with a sense of belonging, as it was something I excelled at and felt a part of, unlike in school. If I hadn’t had swimming as an outlet, I often think about how much bigger I might have become or been at that age.

Even now, when I reflect on the past, I often feel like I was still a "Big Kid," despite the frequent swimming I did. I regret giving up this sport because I realise the health benefits it could have provided. After I stopped swimming around the age of 18, I didn't engage in any other regular exercise, which gradually led to weight gain.

Being A Secret Eater

Growing up I always remember being a bit of a secret eater and my parents have backed that up. While I lived under my parents roof I was always fed well and had decent cooked meals, but for some reason I remember still being greedy and being a sneaky eater. Hiding my eating habits became a way of life, Sneaking food into my bedroom felt like a secret mission aimed at avoiding it being taken away by my parents. This behavior I think only fueled my unhealthy relationship with food and made things worse. Instead of enjoying meals and snacks openly, I felt ashamed of my cravings and desires.

The secrecy around my eating didn't only affect my physical health. It also took a toll on my mental well-being. I developed an unhealthy mindset, perceiving food as something to be ashamed of. I think the constant secret eating and the enjoyment of not being caught having these extras led me to never be honest about my eating habits, and this followed me through into my adult years.

Where did it get me

Looking back, I see clearly how my childhood experiences shaped my views on foods and health. I learned that food could provide comfort, excitement and yet also incite feelings of shame. Now in my 40s, I’ve started to embrace self-acceptance and recognise the need to be open and honest and not only that but accountable for what i am putting in my body.

Final Thoughts

I've realised that while our past shapes us, it doesn’t have to define us. By revisiting my younger years, I gained valuable insights into my relationship with food and health.

Moving forward, I carry these lessons and embrace a healthier mindset about food. I encourage anyone reading this to reflect on their journey and how their past may influence their present. It's never too late to start again like i am and find joy in the continuous journey of self-acceptance.