Marriage In My 30's: Weight & Reality (Part 1)

Weighing Up Life

This period of my life required significant reflection and was the most challenging to write about. It was a pivotal time that has brought me to where I am today, primarily because it was so demanding and, to be honest, an emotional rollercoaster. I aim to be open about my struggles with food and the broader life challenges that affected my relationship with it. In this post, I will delve into the highs and lows of getting married, and how these experiences shaped both me and my relationship with food.

The Relationship Rollercoaster

Alright, let's dive in... During my twenties and thirties, I somehow managed to get into relationships even though I was a bigger guy. Although these relationships began well, they always turned rocky. After reflecting on these relationships, regardless of how they ended, I believe food played a role—whether it was what I was eating or how it affected my body image in the eyes of my partners. I'm not entirely blaming food for the catalogue of failed relationships, as I recognise that my mental state and behavior also contributed or simply they wasn't the right person for me.

Like many others, I entered relationships believing that my partners were interested in me for who I was and my cracking personality, not because of my size. Unfortunately, this wasn't true, and body image often played a damming role. I didn't want to accept that my body was a reason someone might not want to be with me, but it was, from avoiding social situations to not enjoying sex as much. Being over 30 stone was starting to play its part in more aspects of my life than I ever imagined.

Around 2017/2018, I began a relationship that was to become a significant part of my life. After having difficulty finding someone serious about relationships who wouldn't mind my body size, I joined an online dating site. Following a few unsuccessful dates, I met someone who, I believed, saw beyond my appearance and wanted to be with me for who I was. I won't deny it—the dating phase was "OK" from my perspective. We laughed together and enjoyed typical couple activities. However, issues related to food and weight began to surface. Early in our relationship discussions, I was told that my weight was somewhat problematic, but we both still wanted to continue.

One of my earliest memories and conversations while dating that stayed with me—and probably should have been a wake-up call—was meeting the parents. Meeting the in-laws is always a daunting part of any relationship, especially without being made awkward. At that point, I felt we were in a good place in the dating phase, but a parent's opinion always matters. I approached meeting them with open arms, and although they were kind and welcoming, there was also a backhanded comment about my body size and my intentions to lose weight. Little did I know this was the first of several difficult conversations about my weight or body image.

Dating/engagement photo

Despite the initial awkward meeting with her parents, we moved forward, fully aware of their thoughts about my weight. Now I did say that was to be just one of the uncomfortable conversations I had with them regarding my size. Little did I know another one was just around the corner. A few months later, we discussed taking the next step towards engagement and planning our future. In keeping with tradition and respect, I approached her parents to seek their approval for our engagement. I anticipated this conversation to be straightforward, but it was NOT. For those reading this, being told that their approval was conditioned on me MUST losing weight would likely be seen as a significant red flag.

Overshadowed by these awkward by these encounters we battled on and got engaged.

What actions would you have taken by now? How would this influence your thoughts?

Engagement celebrations

During the dating and engagement period, I sacrificed a lot and made several significant compromises. Despite my efforts, my weight remained unchanged and became a persistent issue. Since I was determined to lose weight for our wedding, I began the Cambridge Weight Plan. I'll discuss this more thoroughly in another post, but I initiated this plan in an attempt to shed some pounds in preparation.

The wedding was quickly approaching, and I faced one of my biggest challenges: finding a suit that would fit. It had reached the point where I needed a suit tailored specifically for me; I couldn't simply walk into a suit shop and purchase one off the rack. Consequently, I had to have one custom-made, as ordering suits online typically didn't suit a 30-stone, 6'5" guy like me very well.

Wedding Day

The wedding day was absolutely unforgettable and extraordinary. Yet, even on that special day, I couldn't escape reminders about my weight and how it might affect our marriage, with subtle comments about my posture or appearance in photos.

Many people might wonder why I didn't just walk away. Reflecting on it, I realise I had very little self-esteem and hoped things would improve.

I'm not writing this to make digs at anyone, but rather to highlight the challenges that my weight and body size brought into my relationship.

Throughout my marriage, there were ups and downs, as is common in many marriages, but weight was a persistent issue that consistently emerged. I could list the weight-related problems that arose, but it was mainly the constant comments. There were situations involving what I would wear in social settings to hide my stomach, people staring at me because of my size, not wanting to be seen with me while shopping, or the worst, excluding me from Christmas dinner.

After several years of navigating marriage and the challenges posed by weight-related issues, I decided to take the Cambridge Weight Plan more seriously and give it a genuine effort. While following this demanding plan, I managed to lose a significant amount of weight—10 stone—and reached just over 21 stone, a weight I hadn't been in a long time. Despite this weight loss, it wasn't enough to satisfy my partner, who wanted me to continue losing weight.

After 5 years of navigating marriage and the issues we constantly found ourselves having we decided to call an end to it and separate.

Weight Vs Mental State

During this phase of my life, weight was becoming a significant mental challenge in addition to a physical one. As someone who has faced depression and anxiety at various points, weight had now become a major aspect of my mental health concerns. It influenced different parts of my life, affecting my marriage and continuing to impact my career.

Following my separation, I found this phase of my life to be mentally taxing, and my focus certainly wasn't on my health or diet. My drive to look good or adhere to a strict 800-calorie diet vanished. As a result, the 10-stone weight loss proved to be only temporary, and my struggle with weight returned, becoming more severe than ever.

While trying to cope with a separation and trying to prioritise my life, my weight increased over a couple years, exceeding the 30 stone mark. I can honestly say this was one of the lowest and most emotional times of my life, as I turned to food for comfort and a sense of satisfaction.

Rounding up

I could have extended this section by several pages, but I believe it provides sufficient context regarding the troublesome role weight has played in my life. There are certainly various reasons mentioned in this post for my struggle with body weight perception and weight in general, whether it's my lack of self-esteem, disbelief in my ability to make a difference, or simply not caring enough to want to change.

I definitely never anticipated this happening in my life, and upon reflection, I realise that this relationship just wasn't the right fit. Reaching an all-time high weight of over 30 stone at this point was soon to present me with another hurdle and another battle I needed to face.

Have you encountered similar problems? Has weight been a prominent shadow in your relationship? I would welcome hearing about it....